This is become way too complicated. And by this, I mean men. Or..boys? Males. Whatever.

You try to find a good guy to date, maybe to like a little bit – all he wants to do is get in your pants and doesn’t give a rats ass about you.

You find a guy that you just want to have fun with and have sex with – he won’t put out.

And somehow in the end you end up being the baffled, crazy girl.

All I was looking for was a guy that I could get along with, hang out with sometimes, get drunk with, and do other things with. Apparently its impossible. The one guy that I actually like won’t just deal with the fact that we are, in his words, so compatible and perfect. And the one guy that I just want to have random no-strings-attached fun with doesn’t understand that I just want to treat him like every other guy friend I’ve ever had, except with an extra benefits package.

In conclusion, I’ve decided to give up on dating and men until I’m in my 30s. Not saying I’ll stick to it for that long, but I’ll definitely stick to it for a while.

This is an old note I wrote a few months ago. Just thought I’d finally post it on here – mostly as a reminder to myself.

Dear Man of my Dreams,
I’ve come to the realization that I can’t have you. I’ve realized that I need to let go of this dream. I’ll never be the girl that you think about & I’ll never be the girl that you see and say, “that’s her”. I must accept that.

I can only do so much in this attempt to be perfect and I realize I’ll never get you to notice me, just me. But now I understand that if I’m not perfect just the way I am, I’ll never be perfect for you. And you’ll never be perfect for me. You can’t be the man of my dreams. Because the man of my dreams will appreciate everything that I have & all the love that I have give.

The man of my dreams would never let me pass him by. He would would never accept any substitutes, he would know no other. That man would never keep me waiting and never make me wonder. He would protect me from the pain of heartache, not lend a hand to it. So this is how I know that you can’t be the man of my dreams. You can’t be the one I am looking for, because the one I’m looking for would know that he found me.

Forever,
The Best Thing You Never Had

What is with guys and their ridiculously lifted trucks? Not the ones with a little boost..but you know, the ones that look like tonka trucks..the ones that look like they could possibly run down a 747.

I think that these dudes THINK that us ladies will believe they have a big penis if they have a big truck.

Common guys. The jig is up, we know you don’t have a big penis.
Now go invest in an eco-friendly compact car of some sort.

Thanks.

I haven’t said anything to anyone about Michael Jackson since the moment I heard that he went into cardiac arrest. I definitely haven’t said anything on the internet. I guess after these 12 days I was just too shocked to actually acknowledge it, it seemed so unreal to me. Every time I felt the urge to shed a tear, I fought it back with a stiff upper lip.

Today as I watched his memorial, I couldn’t fight it anymore. I haven’t cried so much in so long. Through my years, I’ve been lucky enough to never really have to deal with death. I’ve never had anyone close to me die, but this is as close as it gets.

It may seem absurd to some people, I get that. Some people just don’t understand how you could feel so close and connected to someone you’ve never met, as if they were your friend. But as we have all witnessed over the past week, there are millions of people around the world who feel the same as I do. And for the people in my life who just can’t grasp it, maybe this will be a little insight. Although I don’t think I can say it any better than anyone who has befor eme.

I felt a terrible loss with the death of Michael. I lost the person who taught me how to dance, even though I could never be that good. I lost the person who taught me how to be passionate about everything in life, and to do it all with a smile. I lost the man who taught me about music and how it enriches life. I lost the man that I so desperately wanted to be like when I was a kid. There were only two people in the world that I wanted to be like: Madonna and Michael. I remember exactly where our record player sat in the house, and every day my brothers and I would put on one of his albums and dance around the house. There’s nothing more soothing than the sound of good music..a little scratchy and fuzzy, on a record plaer. And I really don’t know how my parents dealt with us trying to watch the Moonwalker tape EVERY day, but they did. Those memories will forever be etched into my mind.

In Michael I saw all the possibilities. I admired the way he reached every corner of the world, seemingly, without effort. In him I saw someone who really cared about the fragility of humanity and the world. I loved the way he commanded a crowd, the way he could silence an audience of thousands upon thousands. And they would listen.

I guess one of the things that makes this so much harder is the fact that I didn’t get to meet him. I was always so hopeful that one day it would happen. I think that his fans grieve so hard not just because they lost an icon, but because they never got to embrace him. They never got to experience the real life magic, or shake his hand, or tell him how amazingly special he is. I can never look into his eyes, take a picture with him, or echo the words that have been said so many times over the past 40 years, “I love you Michael.”

This simply breaks my heart.

I have this probably very unhealthy obsession with Mr. Big. In my eyes, he’s perfect. Which if you know the relationship he and Carrie had, that statement could be a little crazy.

Yes he broke her heart, a few times too many. And sometimes he was a jerk, sometimes he just plain jerked her around. But he always came back.

Mr. Big was by no means a perfect man. He wasn’t at all prince charming – just like every real life guy out there. This is why I just love him so much. He made mistakes, he fucked up, he broke hearts and promises, he did things wrong, but he always made a point to make things right. And even at his worst, he never failed to let her know that he cared about her.

But somehow, even with all the faults that Mr. Big has, faults that I am willing to accept in a real man, I can’t seem to find a guy in the world who can be half of what Mr. Big is. This character has given me false expectations. Somehow I thought it was slightly realistic, ya know, “He isn’t perfect, but he makes everything worth it”. NOPE! I was wrong!

Apparently every guy in my life just ISN’T perfect, and there’s no trade off for it. No being sweet, or cute, or at least trying to woo me for half a minute. And worst of all, no admitting…for just one second…that I actually matter at all.

I was willing to lower the bar – from Disney status, to Big status. But I don’t think I can let myself get any lower than that. Realize, I don’t think any girl expects a perfect man, because none of us are perfect either. All I really want is an honest effort…to be true, to yourself, me, and both of our hearts.

All I REALLY want is my own Mr. Big.

Isn’t it bizarre how sometimes thoughts of someone will randomly come into your mind?
Old friends, significant others, etc.

I just randomly thought of a very old friend named Dan. He lived in Texas but we were friends for so long, and we’d talk all the time online and on the phone. Most of it through this adolescent years; I think we lost track of each other around the beginning of high school.

So it’s definitely been over 6 or 7 years since we’ve talked. But I wonder how he’s doing. I always worried about him. And I have no idea how to find him or get a hold of him. Its interesting.

All I have is a name and a memory.
Dan Curs.

Last night Ronni and I decided to go to Vegas for the night. After two previously ruined plans to go with two different groups of friends, I decided I had to take things into my own hands and have fun all on my own.

And so I did.

We stayed at Planet Hollywood for a ridiculously cheap rate, had a lot to drink, and had a fabulous time.

I might be going back later in the week, kind of doubtful though. But we should definitely be going back at the end of the month.

Upon reading a Vanity Fair article about the woes of Sarah Palin, I beg the question…

Todd S. Purdum on Sarah Palin: vanityfair.com

Did anyone SERIOUSLY think that McCain would win with Palin as his VP??

I mean really. Did anyone actually want her to take part in running this country – she’s dumb as all hell. We’ve got Clinton moving women politicians forward, meanwhile crazy ass radical Palin is setting them back a couple of decades. Pretty face, but dumb as rocks.

I truly think that McCain had a decent chance at winning. I don’t think he would have won either way, but I think it was a fair fight before Miss Nailin Palin came into the picture. After she was announced as the candidate, the whole election was shot straight to hell.

Now what completely boggles my mind is the Palin supporters. It frustrates and worries me to know that people in this country actually wanted her to be in office. It concerns me even more than people want her to run for president in 2012. Furthermore, I have nothing against supporters of McCain, but I don’t see how they could continue to campaign for him and even VOTE for him knowing that he had that dumb shit as his co-pilot. Even his campaign advisers say it was a horrible decision.

Now someone who voted for McCain & Palin please explain the logistics of why you would vote for that team. Thanks.

So, I’m a little fearful of my next semester of school. I’m going to be taking a bunch of freshman classes and I’m sure I’ll be stuck with a bunch of straight out of highschool little shits.

I had a few first year people in one of my classes this spring and I hated it. I hated them all. How will I deal with 4 classes of that? I guess I won’t be making any friends this time around! yipee.